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Showing posts from April, 2006

This art will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...

"I AM THE GOD OF HELL-FIRE AND I BRING YOU...!!", bellowed The Doctor.
I jumped back as the flame singed my eyebrows.

vegan apocalypse

Back then we didn't know that plants led lives of their own. They lived, loved, mated and died. Once this startling discovery was made, Legislation was passed to prohibit the consumption of plant life of any kind. The agricultural industry collapsed overnight, as fields were ordered to be left to grow, nothing to be touched.

Their spirits were among them teaching the young plants how to grow, and when to fear the harvest.

The Pause...

I'm always straightening my tie.

I like to stop the van and take a few seconds before I do these gigs.

The four-foot check sits awkwardly in between the seats. I look at the name again, saying it to myself a few times.

Contrary to popular belief, "The Check" isn't cardboard, it's actually made out of foamcore board, which is much sturdier. People have a tendency to hug them.

I move the mirror to make sure my tie adjustment has worked. It has, but I adjust it anyway. The cameraman is loading tape into his video camera. The photographer is testing his flash.

We are about to change these people's lives forever, and they have no idea. This used to excite me about the job, but lately it's just become sort of, you know, more of a job.


I sigh and say their name again a few times.

I straighten my tie and put the white van in gear. It's just over the bridge.

I just hope the flying elves don't come back...


I realized that I finally knew exactly which one was "the weakest link".


Shortly after executing my compass, I came across a glen. He was lost too...

Planned Avian Communities

Unfortunately, today's condo developments will be tomorrow's ghettos...


The tiny church had no name. It's builder was remembered by no one. The inside was empty, save one small podium and a picture of a thoughtful Christ, looking up through a small hole in the rafters.

It now gave sanctuary only to the desert animals that took refuge under it's foundation.

Too late...

All of a sudden he realized, there in low light of the evening sun, that his life had passed him by. He was destined for nothing.
What had he accomplished?
What had he to show for a lifetime of wanting?
His shoulders buckled and fell under the weight of his acceptance that wanting wasn't enough.

Deep Throat knew he could hide out in the Terrarium...

how long could he possibly stay there? They would find him soon, unless he did something...drastic.

Operation Latte' Thunder...GO!!

Freelance, you know, the Latin term for terminally unemployed. That's me. Lately, the bills are out-pacing the gigs.

time to take my Howard Roarke tour of the Rock Quarry. But which quarry?

Realizing that my only marketable skill aside from the whole camera and lighting thing is making coffee, I got a job at a coffee chain...a big one.

I get a pound of coffee a week for free...i had to get that out of the way...

My first day was spent reading through a forest of dead trees compiled into bound works the likes of which I haven't seen since college. These great tomes included things like the 20 steps of cleaning the pastry cabinet, and the 16 steps to making whipped cream. At first I was a bit nervous, thinking that this actually might be akin to rocket science. I was quickly turned around when I realized that the manuals are written to the lowest common dominator, and that I wasn't crazy, or stupid and that this (as I suspected) is the farthest thing from rocket scienc…

Evidence Collection

Evidence of the crash was collected over the course of 10-15 seconds. I was able to store all of the information I had gathered onto one negative, thanks to an ancient technology...

The collection of extended periods of time onto film was created around 1880.
I know there was an American Flag bandana there when I took the photo, but now I'm not so sure. Did it vanish in processing?

"The trains are blameless, holy creatures..."

The Doctor was here...

A year after the event, there was still proof he had been there. Did they leave the evidence alone, knowing it's importance?

...or had he come back...


Mouse starts under the bowl. Bowl is lifted. If the mouse goes into the color hole you've bet on, you win. There's a mouse kibble in each of the holes, but the odds are always on the house (or is it the mouse).

I feel like this mouse all the time....

This carnival game seemed kind of seedy at first, but upon second thought, the mouse gets a treat no matter what hole he goes into, so for the mouse, it's all right then...

so maybe I don't feel like this mouse...

My Posse...

I'd like you to meet my Posse, Runz with Scissahz

First up is Crispy G, he's always on edge, ready to snap. Some tribes say he can steal your soul, so lookout for him.

Big Fresh is up next. He's so hard-core, he's puttin' in 80 hour weeks...every week.

Tastee-Taste is our man across the pond. Don't let his appearance fool you, he's a brainiac, and ready to pounce!

Hot-Stuff 'll make you into a statistic in the blink of an eye, so watch it!

And backin us up here state side, Mr Durden, if you don't see him around, you know he's off somewhere savin' the world. (you know, like Pete's Dragon)

We're stickin' together like the zippers on a Michael Jackson Beat-It jacket.

thanks to:

My brief, torrid affair with bacon...

Upon moving in with my new roommate, Mr Durden, I was told that he was very frugal with all but 3 things:Bourbon : Maker's Mark or Knob Creek
Coffee: shade grown, organic, fair trade, free range
Bacon: Thick-Sliced Virginia Bacon. It comes in a 1.5lb. package, and at almost $8.00, it's nothing to sneeze at.The right bacon makes all the difference, and sub-par bacon is a real shame, according to Mr. Durden.Before living here, I had never given bacon it's proper respect. I considered it a treat, a throw away side to eggs and pancakes, an occasional addition to my Subway Turkey 12 inch.He takes it very seriously, considering bacon to be it's own food group. We have a jar or two of drippings, used for cooking almost every one of Mr. Durden's native dishes. My favorite is pilau (pronounced Pur-low), a rice dish with shrimp, sausage and, of course, bacon. Another brilliant and tasty treat is Shrimp and Grits. Bacon drippings and flour combine with sauteed onions and …